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I will surviveeeeeeee.

Hello.


I'm feeling better now. Not feeling like I need to puke all my guts out anymore. And I'm not on auto-pilot anymore, nor I am like a zombie anymore. I feel empty and sometimes I feel like just cutting off from the world. Not like I wanna kill myself, God forbid. But like just be here on my own. You know.


I hope next week goes by fast and after that, I'll be on a cruise to hell. At least it is something that I look forward to do. I really look forward to be on that cruise because I want to get the hell out of all the situations I've gotten myself into.


Sometimes, I avoid relationships because deep down inside, I know I could break down easily. And I would do anything to avoid that, thank you.


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Sometimes, I hate myself. For all the things I did. For all the things I didn't do. For all the things I said. For all the things I kept inside. For all the wishful thinkings. For all the thoughts I put aside. For all the things I put people through. For all the nice things I didn't do.  Maybe a basket case. A liability. Maybe too melancholic for anyone to hold.  
Sometimes, I hate myself. For all the things I did. For all the things I didn't do. For all the things I said. For all the things I kept inside. For all the wishful thinkings. For all the thoughts I put aside. For all the things I put people through. For all the nice things I didn't do. 

PLEASE KNOW THAT

How scary is it, when you look into your future, nothing is certain. You don't know how you're going to end up. You don't know what you want to do. But even more scary, if you visualize your future and you see the person that you have now, in it. That you want that person, those people, in your future. You don't even know if THEY want to be in your future. Yet you hope they will.