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Aku hidup lagi, cuma lifeless.

Hello.


I haven't been updating my blog for a while now. Ada lagi stalker setia yang tak follow tapi selalu bukak blog ni tak? Kalau ada, please like. Kalau takda, I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU! :( Haha. Boleh macam tu? 


It has been only a month since SPM and setiap kali fikir pasal result rasa macam oh tolonglah fast-forward ke bulan sembilan terus. Please. Please. Please. Ok so now tak ada apa apa goal untuk tahun ni. Tak ada SPM untuk distudykan. Takda sekolah untuk prepare kerja sekolah. So I don't know what to do each day. As going to school is a challenge, not knowing what to do everyday is ALSO a challenge okay :\


Tapi aku still tak rindu nak ke sekolah. Nope. Not gonna be all cheesy and say 'Aku rindu sekolah :('. Nope.

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Sometimes, I hate myself. For all the things I did. For all the things I didn't do. For all the things I said. For all the things I kept inside. For all the wishful thinkings. For all the thoughts I put aside. For all the things I put people through. For all the nice things I didn't do.  Maybe a basket case. A liability. Maybe too melancholic for anyone to hold.  
Sometimes, I hate myself. For all the things I did. For all the things I didn't do. For all the things I said. For all the things I kept inside. For all the wishful thinkings. For all the thoughts I put aside. For all the things I put people through. For all the nice things I didn't do. 

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How scary is it, when you look into your future, nothing is certain. You don't know how you're going to end up. You don't know what you want to do. But even more scary, if you visualize your future and you see the person that you have now, in it. That you want that person, those people, in your future. You don't even know if THEY want to be in your future. Yet you hope they will.